Friday, August 26, 2005

Horrible Gorey Death of Fits

Fit fit fits.
You will perish of fits. Repeat this to yourself:
"Things can work out even if I don't get
my way. Things can work out even...."

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm not normally a fit pitcher and generally limit my pitchings of fits to very special occasions. On not-so-very special occasions, I am the provoker of fits. Like today.

This morning I'm driving my 16-year-old daughter to school. Mornings are a good time for us to talk since it's about a 30-minute drive. (We live in the boonies.) Here's an almost-accurate transcript of our Friday Morning Chat.

Mom: Hey, have you heard of these abstinence/virginity pledges they have at some high schools?

Darling Daughter (DD): Um ... no. What a random question, Mom.

("Um" is a dead giveaway we're broaching uncomfortable territory.)

Mom: It's a pledge some Christian groups are asking high school students to sign, saying they won't have sex while they're in high school. Al Franken was talking about it last night and how it's not working.

DD: What do you mean, the kids are having sex anyway?

Mom: Well, they think they're NOT having sex as long as they're having oral sex or, um, the other kind in the, um, butt. It's called anal sex.

DD (looking out window): Uh-huh.

Mom: But the thing is, they ARE having sex and they're still getting diseases, just like the kids doing it the regular way.

DD: Well, they're not really having sex if they're just having oral sex.

Mom: Yeah, they are. Oral sex is sex. Any time there are sexual body parts and fluids involved, then it's a sexual activity.

DD: Okay, so it's a sexual activity, but it's not SEX. The girl's not losing her virginity or anything.

Mom: That's not the point, DD.

DD: I thought you were talking about virginity pledges.

Mom: I was --

DD: Then that IS the point.

Mom: Listen, do you really think oral sex is not sex? Why do you think that? Who told you that?

DD: Oh god...

Mom: Okay. Tell me this: what happens during a blowjob?

DD: (grabbing backpack) I really need to study vocab.

Mom: Your test isn't until next week. I really want to talk about this.

DD: Obviously.

Mom: I bet I know who told you oral sex isn't sex. It's Ann, right? (names changed to protect dirty little high schoolers)

DD: (studying vocab)

Mom: Ann's having sex with Sammy, isn't she?

DD: No, she isn't. Ann wouldn't do that.

Mom: She's been going out with him for more than a year. I've seen them together. I know the signs.

DD: Yeah, you think you know everything that goes on. Well, you don't know! Things have changed since the '50s!

Mom: (lets this slide, even though Mom was born three days before the '50s officially ended) Tell me she's not having oral sex.

DD: (exasperated) Fine, she's having oral sex. So what? She's still a virgin.

Mom: She's having sex. I knew it!

DD: Mom, you are so out of it. You SO don't get it.

Mom: What I don't get is why you girls are so gullible as to buy into this whole "oral sex isn't sex" bullshit. You can still get diseases. Do they use condoms?

DD: For oral sex?

Mom: Yeah, for oral sex. If Sammy has a sore on his penis, like herpes, then Ann will end up with herpes. It starts in her mouth, and then --

DD: You are so gross.

Mom: Don't be surprised when your little oral sex machine friends end up with herpes.


Mom: Tell you what, when you're at your Dad's this weekend having your sex talk, you can ask him how your Mom got herpes.


(long silence as we approach the school)

DD: Um ... could I have some lunch money?


At August 27, 2005 8:46 PM, Blogger Loz said...

That's hilarious... but also really scary.
I'm so glad I'm not a teenager these days. All the rules have changed and instead of kisses they're trading blow jobs. Bastard teenage boys! I wish the girls would stand up for themselves.

At August 28, 2005 1:04 AM, Blogger Jenny said...

Kudos to you for bringing up sex with your daughter. At least she knows where you stand.

At August 29, 2005 12:02 PM, Blogger The real me said...

This makes my stomach turn... my daughters are only 9 and 6 but this discussion scares the crap out of me.
The problem is that girls today DO think it's ok to give blow jobs and that it's a way for boys to like them, to be accepted etc...
But it's a control issue. Total dominance by the bastard teenage boys Loz targeted.
When are girls going to learn that?

At August 30, 2005 9:06 AM, Blogger JJ said...

And since when did girls start competing with each other for boys' attention? It used to be the other way around. I've heard the male population is shrinking, but I didn't think it had gotten to the point where girls so outnumber boys they have to blow them to get attention.


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